Advice for kids with annoying parents
Parent: I never see you studying........
You: Have you ever seen God?
Labels: Works everytime...
I love you, man.
I love you, man. Hilarious movie, watch it with your kids.
Kevin: Why are you slapping me?!
Peter Klaven: Because I wanted to cause you some physical pain but I've never actually hit anybody in the face, it freaks me out. And I didn't really know what to do. Kevin, stay the fuck away from my listing.
Labels: Totally... totes my goats
This would be what my university application letter would probably look like.
In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations in my free time, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage my time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike recorder playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert with Lego, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I have been scouted by Liverpool F.C. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges on my table. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire and I can lick my elbow. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won two tickets to Paris. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for my country's military. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Australia, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only an orange and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning crabs. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and I've created the world's hardest sudoku puzzle. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have yet to attend a university.