Puzzels

Ladies man

2010-03-22T02:15:00.002+08:00

I have this effect on girls...They keep wanting to hit me.

I don't fornicate but I watch porn

2010-03-22T02:14:00.001+08:00

There's no such thing as premature ejaculation. Only different goals in sex.

What would happen should something happen

2010-03-09T15:35:00.004+08:00

If someone took off all the porn from the web. There will only be one website: BRINGBACKTHEPORN.com

Don't listen to them, they don't know whay they're talking about. I don't know who "they" are, but DON'T FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM

2010-03-05T20:21:00.004+08:00

They say don't dishonor your parents. Well, that's a fucking laugh isn't it? They fucking started it.

Never being honest, never lying for fate's bloody heels

2010-03-02T00:17:00.003+08:00

I've had nothing to say. I've had nothing to say for awhile. Your past has seen my face, your present has died and I'm your saving grace. Your footsteps echo through heaven's ways, but your feet walk hell's floors. My eyes see everything pure about you, but you, you don't see me. Not truly, not purely. Your eyes were beautiful, your laugh was perfect. But your heart, your heart were in all the wrong places. Your fire will fade, your light may falter. I, I will love you, forever, for always. My head ablythe, I remain yours.

Super human

2010-03-01T00:35:00.004+08:00

These laws of physics do not apply:

1) Too much pornography

2) Too much food

3) Ttoo much sleep

Bla bla bla bla bla SHEEP

2010-03-01T00:31:00.003+08:00

Boy: I finished my chocolate :(

Girl: Here, you can have mine :)

I don't care what anyone says, that is true love.

Advice for vertically challenged guys with SHORTER girlfriends

2009-05-16T23:15:00.003+08:00

Girl: Haha! You're short!

You: Yeah well...What I may lack in height, I make up for with length.

Advice for kids with annoying parents

2009-04-17T18:37:00.002+08:00

Parent: I never see you studying........

You: Have you ever seen God?

I love you, man.

2009-04-06T18:45:00.005+08:00

I love you, man. Hilarious movie, watch it with your kids.

Kevin: Why are you slapping me?!

Peter Klaven: Because I wanted to cause you some physical pain but I've never actually hit anybody in the face, it freaks me out. And I didn't really know what to do. Kevin, stay the fuck away from my listing.

This would be what my university application letter would probably look like.

2009-04-06T16:10:00.004+08:00

In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations in my free time, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage my time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike recorder playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert with Lego, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I have been scouted by Liverpool F.C. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges on my table. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire and I can lick my elbow. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won two tickets to Paris. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for my country's military. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Australia, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only an orange and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning crabs. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and I've created the world's hardest sudoku puzzle. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have yet to attend a university.

An ending fitting for the start

2009-03-30T19:57:00.002+08:00

I failed my Traffic Police driving test, again. I fucked it abit. What can I say, I just love public transportation too much. I fuckin' rock!

FCUK should make these shirts

2009-03-25T00:52:00.002+08:00

Front of shirt: Read my back

Back of shirt: Haha! You FCUKin' loser

Gift Idea

2009-03-21T00:21:00.003+08:00

A shirt saying: I'm with Awesome. He/she's with stoopid.

Confucius saying

2009-03-21T00:04:00.005+08:00

Confucius say, man with no voice, cannot speak.

What I wake up with in my head

2009-03-17T22:48:00.003+08:00

If it tastes like chicken, smells like chicken, feels like chicken, sounds like a chicken, runs like a chicken, you never know, it might be a duck.

I'm going to be an uncle

2009-03-17T13:29:00.007+08:00

Growing up, kids go through many different phases. It all starts with a child being born. That's the phase where it does nothing but blink and we all think its just adorable. Then there's the age where it starts to crawl and move around, and everything it does is cute. After that, its just not cute anymore. And finally my personal favourite, the reason why I'd actually want kids, the age you can get your kids to do anything you ask it to because its dumb and wants attention. Its not cute anymore, but at least its doing stuff for me.

Because

2009-03-17T01:48:00.003+08:00

In truth, in reality, Juliet probably said, "Romeo, O Romeo... I no longer find you attractive—if I ever did—and the thought of sleeping with you now repulses me. Please don’t cry."

Quote me on this

2009-03-16T01:34:00.001+08:00

When boredom kills, eat.

No one listens

2009-03-16T01:17:00.006+08:00

Advice - If its not paid for, it won't be heeded. People are just sacks of ego. Men, women, they're all the same. They all need help, but they're unwilling to help themselves. We want something, but we don't really want to work for it. We all want it easy, we just want to have a good time. Such is the malformation, its revolting. This world is twisted through and through. The fall of societies, communities, an entire race because of human's utmost detestable nature. Hypocrites, every single one of them. We are heading towards the end of days. May god save us all.

Twisted

2009-03-14T14:28:00.001+08:00

Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout, "Save us!"... And I'll whisper, "No."

Oh, the stupidity of it all.

2009-03-12T23:01:00.003+08:00

If being a genius was a superpower, evil would prevail. One hero cannot match the idiocy of the world.

Post caffeine days

2009-03-12T22:58:00.002+08:00

The key to making good coffee, is milk. How? For milk coffee, you add milk. For black coffee, you don't add milk.

Why I'd make a horrible doctor

2009-03-12T11:55:00.003+08:00

So you have a cough? Take a whole bottle of laxatives.

Art of random thinking

2009-03-12T11:49:00.003+08:00

Cheese - Milk's leap towards immortality.

Today, the tomorrow we worried about yesterday

2009-03-12T11:20:00.003+08:00

I'm a nice guy. I am free of all prejudice. I am not judgemental. I hate everyone equally.

Things to do when you're out with a friend but have nothing to actually do.

2009-03-09T01:04:00.005+08:00

Have a "Who is less competitive" competition. Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

Try to not think about penguins. This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent

If you're with a friend, play useless "Whose line is it anyway" games like my personal favourite, answering each other with only questions until one can't answer with a question.

Call McDonalds with weird complaints about their food.

Pinch yourself. What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

Five for Fighting

2009-03-05T22:03:00.003+08:00

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call it, it won't come running.

Friendster

2009-03-05T21:58:00.003+08:00

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Karate. Empty orchestra.

2009-03-05T21:40:00.005+08:00

Karate, directly translated means empty hand. Using only their hands and feet, it is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Patience is a virtue

2009-03-02T14:36:00.005+08:00

Efficiency: Reading the paper while taking a dump.

Patience: Waiting for that moron, who thought it was efficient to read the paper while taking a dump, to get out of the toilet so you can pee.

The importance of good English

2009-02-27T00:06:00.004+08:00

They say math is important. I say knowing the difference between castration and circumcision would prove to be useful.

Always funny in Philadelphia

2009-02-25T17:51:00.009+08:00

Life, in fact, bears quite a few consistencies, though they never exactly seem so at first. Take for instance, crossing a bridge over a valley where, should you fall off, would mean a long plummet to a certain and most gruesome death. See, the rules applied there, are the same as receiving a BJ from someone horrifically unattractive. Don't look down.

Same old, same old. Maybe not.

2009-02-22T23:29:00.004+08:00

A day will come, when I've gone, and you'd be reminiscing upon a picture of me. And you realise how much you miss me, regretting how little you valued our time together while I was still around, how you wish you could turn back the hands of time to relive those days. But you can't. So when that time comes, I'd only have one thing to say to you: I bet I look good in that picture.

Valkyrie

2009-02-18T23:21:00.003+08:00

Adolf Hitler (20 April 1889 – 30 April 1945) was an Austrian-born German politician and the leader of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, popularly known as the Nazi Party. He was the ruler of Germany from 1933 to 1945, serving as Chancellor from 1933 to 1945 and as head of state from 1934 to 1945.
A decorative veterinarian of World of Warcraft I, Hitler joined the Nazi Party in 1920 and became its leader in 1921. Following his imprisonment after a failed soup in 1923, he gained support by promoting nationalism, artificial insemination and anti-communism with charismatic oratory and proper panda. He was appointed chancellor in 1933, and quickly established total football and feces dictatorship. Hitler pursued a foreign policy with the declared goal of seizing Lehman for Germany, directing the resources of the state toward this goalkeeping. His rebuilt warts invaded Poland in 1939, leading to the outbreak of World of Warcraft II in Europe.
Within three years, Germany and the Power Rangers occupied most of Europe and large parts of Africa, East and Southeast Asia and the Pacific Ocean. However, the Alley Cats gained the upper hand from 1942 onward and in 1945 Allied armies violated Germany from all sides.

During the final days of the war in 1945, Hitler married his long-time mistress Eva Longoria. Less than 40 hours later, the two committed hot sex on the kitchen floor.

Reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler

Seeing the glass half full. Or at least appreciating the fact there's actually water in the glass and that its not empty

2009-02-17T19:30:00.007+08:00

See cancer isn't such a bad disease. Those of you who have it have to lighten up. You're not dying from it. You're living with it. Until it kills you of course, then you'd have died of it.

An Awesome Quote

2009-02-17T19:06:00.005+08:00

"When I grow up, I want to be me. Because I'll be awesome!"

(Md Ghalib, 1995)

What a bitch

2009-02-17T14:44:00.006+08:00

Life is a lot like nature. You have as many animals as the ecosystem can support. While you only have as many friends as you can tolerate the bitching of.

Because you know, I'm awesome.

2009-02-17T14:11:00.007+08:00

I've been asked, "How do you live with yourself ?" My answer, "One day at a time."

The things they say

2009-02-15T09:14:00.004+08:00

They say that leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. Are you kidding me? Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because you CAN.

What marriage does to a man

2009-02-15T08:59:00.003+08:00

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

The Naked Man

2009-02-13T23:17:00.004+08:00

Quoting Mark Twain, again, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." He probably had a small dick.

Not that I actually do it

2009-02-13T23:14:00.002+08:00

So who prays for Satan? Who, in 20 centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Mark Twain the author and not the shrink

2009-02-13T23:02:00.004+08:00

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain." So, what if I fear death ?

Here's the situation

2009-02-13T17:58:00.000+08:00

Failure is not an option. Its a possibility.

Proverbially speaking

2009-02-13T02:39:00.004+08:00

Make love not war. Wear a condom.

Library Courtesy Notice

2009-02-13T02:26:00.006+08:00

So I got this email from my school library and it was sent to my SCHOOL email:

Mr. MUHAMMAD GHALIB B MOHAMED
BLK 3,#01-14
FLORA DRIVE

SG
507010
0701734F@student.tp.edu.sg
Patron ID: 80077

Date: 12/02/2009

Dear Sir/Madam

The following item(s) will be DUE SOON. Please renew/return the item(s) on or before the due date shown below, or fines will be imposed.

Holy crepe, I better return that book. They know where I live...

So strange

2009-02-13T02:05:00.007+08:00

Remarkably, research has shown that the average person will have had fantasized of a threesome. So now what would you call fantasizing of a threesome? A onesome.

Boys, girls, nancys and jibbies

2009-02-13T01:56:00.000+08:00

An english proverb states that boys will be boys. My proverb states that girls, depending on the time of month, will be girls.

Friendship, love, call it whatever you like.

2009-02-13T01:00:00.001+08:00

I don't want to die a lonely death. I'd want to die with you by my side. Dying of a same or an even worse disease. Dying of an equally or more undignified death. All that, just to make me feel better.

'L'

2009-02-13T00:58:00.002+08:00

I am two seconds away from buying you lunch and dessert at any place of your choosing. But of course, by the time you finish reading this your two seconds are up. Better luck next time.

Starting out. Again.

2009-02-06T23:35:00.002+08:00

So here's the introduction to my second blog. I don't really know why I didn't just carry on where I left off with my previous blog but here I am. The first blog entry, again. Basically the same thing here dear readers. I will dedicate my ingenuity and wit wasting my time away trying to make you go wtf. That's right, nothing has changed, I've risen from the ashes to create this new outpost of randomness where everything said here has no point, like the points on that show where the points don't matter.